


proud, loud, and scared

by liebgott



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2012-12-15
Packaged: 2017-11-21 04:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liebgott/pseuds/liebgott
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Stiles had been working on algebra homework when he found out the news, and that’s the reason why he fails every math test for months after his mother dies.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	proud, loud, and scared

**Author's Note:**

> this is all just headcanon with a heavy influence from personal experience. there's a distinct possibility that i spend too much time thinking about stiles.

Stiles had been working on algebra homework when he found out the news, and that’s the reason why he fails every math test for months after his mother dies. His dad chalks it up to grief at first, like everyone does, but endless disappointing progress reports frustrate him to the point of telling Stiles maybe, just maybe, he’s got ADD, he should see a doctor, maybe that’ll help. He’s so close to being on the right track, but Stiles can see the sadness settled into his eyes, his bones, and he doesn’t have the heart to tell him the problem is that every time he looks at equations he can hear _Stiles, she’s gone_ on an endless loop in his head.  
  
They see a psychiatrist together a few weeks later, and Stiles’ eyes glaze over as the man talks at his dad like Stiles isn’t in the room. He isn’t diagnosed with anything yet, it’s too early to say (and, Stiles thinks, it’s not like they talked enough for the doctor to figure anything out) but he thinks they’re on the right track. There’s another appointment scheduled for the next week, and Stiles resigns himself to being in the care of this man who won’t listen to him for long enough to understand what the real problem is.  
  
His first panic attack comes not long after that, creeping in without warning when he’s eating dinner with his dad. Nothing in particular triggers it, not that he can remember, but he remembers the creeping fear more clearly than anything else, the way his heart raced and blood pounded in his ears, how suddenly that had taken over his entire mind and body. It takes a long time for him to calm down, his father talking him down in the calmest tone he can manage, awkwardly rubbing circles over Stiles’ back. Stiles realizes later, when he’s thinking about it as he tries to sleep, that his father had sounded terrified the entire time.  
  
Eventually, he learns how to handle the panic attacks, how to talk himself down from them, to breathe through it as well as he can. Things get better and easier to handle each time, and he knows it, and that much helps him. His psychiatrist never hears about them -- the first one was written off by him as a one-off incident -- and the way Stiles fidgets at all of his appointments and lack of any other diagnosis get him branded with ADHD-Not Otherwise Specified. He gets a prescription for Adderall that he doesn’t want or need, one that costs his dad more money than they can probably afford, especially on top of the weekly visits to his psychiatrist. There are a few days where he considers tossing the pills down the toilet, but there’s no way Stiles can justify throwing money down the drain like that. Every morning he takes the pill while he dad watches, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. It’s like he knows something is still off, and that might be what bothers Stiles the most.  
  
The pills help somewhat, at least, and he works his ass off to stay on top of all of his classes so his dad has one less thing to worry about. It’s this unspoken agreement, his dad leaves him to his own devices as long as he makes good grades and takes his pills, and Stiles is perfectly fine with swallowing pills every morning and working as hard as he can if it eases the tension and sadness he can see pulling at the corners of his dad’s eyes. He lets himself get lost in lacrosse and chemistry and whatever Scott is up to while his dad loses himself in his police work, and they stop talking about anything serious at the odd meal they’re actually able to eat together. It’s still tense some nights, and it’s the worst on the ones where Stiles catches his dad glancing at the chair where his mother used to sit. It’s clear that he misses her, and Stiles does too, but they never let themselves talk about it. Like somehow, if they ignore it hard enough, the empty space she’s left behind will suddenly fill in and it’ll be like nothing ever changed.  
  
It does get easier, eventually. The panic attacks stop, Stiles gets used to the pills, he cuts his appointments back to just once a month, the tension in his dad’s face disappears. They still never talk about anything that’s happened, but Stiles learns to be okay with that. There are new, strange things demanding all of his attention anyhow. It’s difficult to focus on anything other than researching everything that’s going on with Scott, especially when the full moon is looming and Stiles has a bad feeling they might end up getting murdered before the week is out. Fixing all of that has to come first for now. He’ll find time to fix himself later.


End file.
